For a past few weeks I found it difficult to love Him and love myself...I couldn't stop thinking of all the challenges that life threw at me...And I couldn't stop worrying about the future......
what's wrong with me...Did I ever think about the future before...Did I ever care about people's opinion...Did I ever feel insecure....Never....
I am in the middle of identity crisis...I don't know who I am and where I m headed to...Arpita who loved Him even if he took away everything from her or the Arpita who hates God for putting her through sufferings and tortures....and now this Arpita puts herself through immense pain by trying to give up her lyf support system that is her trust in God...Is this me or was that me...Am I emotional or am I not emotional....and What am I living for...I have no purpose to serve to the humanity....And if I m not making any difference to the world then what am i here for...Y don't I just put an end to my lyf and hence all the sufferings...
I had to put in all my determination to hold myself from committing suicide... thinking of all the pain that Vishal has inflicted on his family by probably feeling the same way as I do now... If I have never done anything great for my family...I wont harm them emotionally either...Let God see what love is for he has forgotten how to love...
Today while walking when I heard a group of people singing mantras it gave me so much of relief...but hell this is not what I want....
I don't want God or anything to do with God....Y do I feel spell bound by them...Y don't I move ahead by just ignoring them....Rather I chose to sit on a bench and meditate...the peace that I experienced was so genuine...There were no ifs and buts only peace....I hate the fact that I love Him and I probably only feel at ease with myself when I think of His presence in my life...I admit that I cant imagine life without Him...He might hurt me and yet its Him that I love...Him that I want...Strange but true!!!I blame Him for all the pain and still can't live without His love either...At my age ppl don't usually think the way I do...How I hate myself for that...I want to be oblivious of Him like most people are...and yet I love Him...That's me loving the apathetic power...I am back to square one...I missed Him all the tym...and it's so much simpler to accept it than to fight it
