Back to square One!!!

For a past few weeks I found it difficult to love Him and love myself...I couldn't stop thinking of all the challenges that life threw at me...And I couldn't stop worrying about the future......

what's wrong with me...Did I ever think about the future before...Did I ever care about people's opinion...Did I ever feel insecure....Never....

I am in the middle of identity crisis...I don't know who I am and where I m headed to...Arpita who loved Him even if he took away everything from her or the Arpita who hates God for putting her through sufferings and tortures....and now this Arpita puts herself through immense pain by trying to give up her lyf support system that is her trust in God...Is this me or was that me...Am I emotional or am I not emotional....and What am I living for...I have no purpose to serve to the humanity....And if I m not making any difference to the world then what am i here for...Y don't I just put an end to my lyf and hence all the sufferings...

I had to put in all my determination to hold myself from committing suicide... thinking of all the pain that Vishal has inflicted on his family by probably feeling the same way as I do now... If I have never done anything great for my family...I wont harm them emotionally either...Let God see what love is for he has forgotten how to love...


Today while walking when I heard a group of people singing mantras it gave me so much of relief...but hell this is not what I want....

I don't want God or anything to do with God....Y do I feel spell bound by them...Y don't I move ahead by just ignoring them....Rather I chose to sit on a bench and meditate...the peace that I experienced was so genuine...There were no ifs and buts only peace....I hate the fact that I love Him and I probably only feel at ease with myself when I think of His presence in my life...I admit that I cant imagine life without Him...He might hurt me and yet its Him that I love...Him that I want...Strange but true!!!I blame Him for all the pain and still can't live without His love either...At my age ppl don't usually think the way I do...How I hate myself for that...I want to be oblivious of Him like most people are...and yet I love Him...That's me loving the apathetic power...I am back to square one...I missed Him all the tym...and it's so much simpler to accept it than to fight it

Call it Blasphemy!!!!!

I wana believe He doesn't exist but He makes his presence felt with every breath I take; with every sunrise He wakes me up and ensures that I feel his complete control over my life; with every sunset He makes it certain that every dream narrates all that HE has taken away from me...

The realization dawned on me long tym back that I am just insignificant, a pawn in the game of that SADISTIC Power who loves to see people (who he claims are His children) in pain...What Kind of Father is He who loves to see His children cry....OH!!!Let me not forget TRYING TIMES MAKE US STRONGER AND TEACH US TO BE BETTER HUMANS... SO LEARN AND FEEL PROUD THAT U R GETTING TO LEARN...But did I ever ask to be taught..I don't want to grow or learn...For bleeping five years, I have been learning...And learning so tremendously that i have forgotten how to live...I see people getting away with the sinful acts and coming out scotch free...And I who stuck to most of the tenets and commandments that religions have laid for humans get to suffer...How I hate it when mum tells me that this suffering is the evidence that I am in His books....Coz I don't wana be in His books...

If we are His children then Y does He makes us suffer so much? If suffering is a part of His love then I hope and wish that HE hates me just the way I have started hating Him...I relied on Him all my lyf...during thick and thin, I banked on Him for His guidance and gave Him that place in my life that no one ever could have taken...no one but Him...And today when He has left me in the middle of nowhere...where do I go...Who do I rely on...I feel directionless, disoriented and shattered...

I wish He understands that five years are enough to kill someone...Why at all did He give me life when it had to be so full of sufferings...I am running out of patience and perseverance that is required to get through the challenges that He keeps throwing on to me...Every time I felt that He has blessed me....It was a curse in disguise...He hurts me and then doesn't even bother to look back...

What reason do i have to love You...What reason do i have to accept you and abide by your laws...I wana have a carefree life too like most of the people my age..

I wish You once get to come on this earth and live through the pains and sufferings of the humans....You'll start hating Yourself....

You know we humans are cursed with sinful nature (that is none other than one of your gifts to your children)..But you!!! You are selfish, impure, mean, sadistic, sardonic, brutal, barbarous, egoistic and ruthless...What do I call the one who enjoys inflicting pain on His children...No word probably is good enough to describe YOU...Call it blasphemy!!! You are filthier than the filthiest human.

Fatal Attraction

I sat and thought about the blinding light that whispered 'I love you' in my ears.. I managed to convince myself that it was a dream or maybe a hallucination..What was it trying to convey...May be nothing except that I need to see a psychologist...I tried to forget all about it..

A few days later, the picture over my bed could have hit my head... I felt it was due to the earthquake that no one other me and my mum in Dehradun felt...I thought it would be in the news... But there wasn't any such news...I shrugged it as another hallucination...I was convinced that I need a psychologist but I heaved a sigh of relief when I found out that mom had the same experience so it was not just me...What a relief...


I remember asking God if the decision I have taken is right or wrong and remember the heavy air around me as is He wanted me to back off... But did I understand it???

I remember the disturbing dreams that every night appeared to warn me about something...Probably a cataclysm...But did I take a clue???

Everything around me was warning me...My new phone giving up...My machines failing and my health deteriorating...as if all the five elements have given up on me and the sixth had taken over the complete control...But did I trust my instincts...

I remember feeling paralyzed when the worst was happening...I felt the pain when someone else was stabbed...But did It mean anything to me...Nope!!

So staunchly I believed in science and reasoning that all these incidents conveyed nothing to me but "My Own Disturbed Mind".

Every thing is as fresh in my mind as is the pain of separation...But here I stand, willing to take the responsibility than to disavow....

Everything noticeably lead to the cataclysm that the world witnessed..But there was an aftermath it failed to notice..A different me- a scientific bent of mind taking a sudden turn towards superstitions..

I don't feel abashed today while I affirm the existence of energies around us.. There isn't a moment of hesitation while accepting the most incredulous story...I believe in auras...in para physics and the forces in nature...I believe in all that I once shunned the idea of...Today I believe in the existence of fairies, demons, angels, occult sciences, hoodoo, voodoo, astrology, evil eye and all that has to do anything with the energies in nature...I am so attracted towards them that at times I feel like deviating from the path of shabd yog and following sahaj yog...Afterall its human nature to run after the forbidden fruit...I don't know if this exposure to the energies has made me open to the new ideas or has it made me superstitious and vulnerable...

Now after the reconciliation, I can't stop myself from being intrigued by them...My curiosity takes me to all the seminars that talk about them...I talk to people who know about them...I read all the literature that I get about them...And most importantly I still try to involve my mind else where so that gradually I lose my interest in them...

They fascinate me and more I find about them, more I want to find out...But I know my attraction to them is not healthy... As I am the last person to learn to use them...It takes a great deal of will power to stop myself from going on the path that might lead me away from the GOD...May be this is one of His way of testing me..

I don't know what I am seeking for and where exactly is this curiosity leading me...I just know one thing and that is...that this cannot be the direction of my life... I just wish that God should unravel His plans for me as soon as possible because I am restless and I am afraid that I might astray unless he keeps holding on to me...