Within a period of time I have seen a drastic change in everything around me. I feel this can help a lot of people who might have been spurred and rebuked by life.
Sometime back I started to feel uncomfortable and ill- at- ease by my own shadow. At that point of time I failed to understand why? Despite it being a part of my own existence, it looked unfamiliar, conspicuously incomplete, malnourished, undefined, ugly, lost, disconcerted, diminutive- as if it has never woven dreams, dark, hollow and most importantly unrelated to me. As far as I remember, there was beauty and grace in all my acts… and my reflection always extended more than its own reach...It was full of ideas, dreams...It was untouched by pain.This shadow seemed, lifeless, passive and otiose. There was something noticeably different about it that would pull a trigger of negative thoughts in the centre of my being. It as always, followed me loyally on all the paths that I tread- sometimes I felt its presence in the physical sense and most of the time I would find it riding in my emotional and mental state. The more I contemplated about it, the more I found myself intricately woven in the web of doubts. …My shadow was like a quagmire in my mind that engulfed every thought that passed through it. I often found me trying to convince the self that, that lifeless, full-of-flaws demon was not my own reflection and that I will be able to jettison it and perhaps fool it… but being aware of the truth, my mind would soon retain its usual discomfort with the double force… I would try to deviate my mind- putting it in work, parties, exercise and all that I could possibly think of... But nothing proved to be a panacea for its illness. A constant war raged in my mind amongst all sorts of known and cryptic emotions. What was the shadow trying to convey? Was shadow chasing me or it was I chasing it? I gradually lost faith in myself. If I couldn’t ward off my own reflection, what else do I have control on? My self esteem level declined, and I started drifting away from myself. Feeling execrable with every breath I took, I acquiesced to the power of that vague and weak shadow. What an irony! I tried to suppress my anxiety but with every rising sun, an unknown image peeping through the mirror would mock at me reminding me of my weakness. I lost my appetite, my sleep, my desire to work, my will to live and a hope of better tomorrow. Who could have helped me to escape my reflection? Where could have I run? Unlike most shadows, it doesn’t even leave me in the dark as it always manage to occupy my mind… How do I escape it?
Feeling disappointed, sitting on a bench in a park, I unwittingly prayed to the Lord to take me in his canopy and expurgate the unwanted thoughts that haunted me day and night. Someone has rightly said ‘Face the Sun and the shadow will fall behind you’. I guess my prayers were answered. As I was thinking, I felt hands on my shoulders. As I looked at the source of interruptions in my thoughts, I instinctively knew that he was a God-sent. A radiant soul, in the garb of human flesh was beaming at me. A sense of relief flooded through me. Peace, tranquility, serenity that had alienated me, were finding their way back in my mind. I felt effortlessly drawn to him. I could sense a power that was uprooting the noxious fears, inhibitions and doubts that were embedded deeply in my mind. I became completely oblivious of self and just basked in the power of the divinity that eluded from him, invigorating me, rejuvenating me. He kept looking at me. He placed his finger in the middle of my brows. Smiled and said ‘True enlightenment is found in the dark’. Before I could bring myself together and ask him anything, he left me pondering over the line. It was as ironical as life.
After great deal of mind storming, I guess I figured out what to do. I went back to the quietness of my room, drew the curtains and sat on my bed. I felt the divine power guiding me. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the point where he had placed his fingers. I know it is incredible but I could sense his presence lingering everywhere in and around me. And then I was lost in the world that I had never known existed in me and yet knew that it was always there.
There was a veritable ocean of tranquility flowing through me. The entire cosmos seemed to have found abode in me, somewhere chirping like a bird, somewhere murmuring like a stream, sometimes singing melodiously and at the other times playing endless musical instrument. It manifested itself as spring, bringing forth the endless hues with their unmatched brightness and exquisite luster; it rained like a thunderstorm, drenching my soul and my heartbeats; it fell with the leaves as during the Fall and appeared like a thousand rising suns in the middle of a dark night. The entire nature seemed to be dancing to the tune of unstruck music. I felt the state of beatitude. I witnessed the beauty unfolding within me that no words can possibly describe, the magnificence that cannot be imbibed in by the open eyes and the sounds that no worldly ears can ever perceive. The purity is rare, priceless and indescribable. So how do I define the experience that was just so untouched by worldliness? Evolved words of scriptures, opulent paintings, finest literature and all the other possible means of expression are merely an understatement to its gargantuan. I felt exhilarated and elevated.
I don’t know for how long I sat there. But when I opened my eyes, I felt the excruciating pain of being away from that omniscient and omnipotent One. I tried over and over to close my eyes and concentrate so as to return to His lap. But I had lost it. Apparently I had done something to displease Him. I begged Him to make His presence felt again. But all my entreaties fell on the deaf ear. I cried ceaselessly but He didn’t bother. I once again felt that anxiety returning over me. But there was a difference. This time this anxiety came with the trust that my Father is with me, may be little annoyed but He is there. And just the feeling of having Him within me to take care of me was enough to console me. I just had to find him. Perhaps some fresh air would do me good. I decided to go out of the room as if this had been directed by the divine call too. I felt God’s presence everywhere, I could hear him chirping in a bird, perched on a tree, begging in a beggar on a street, I could see him setting in the sun and rising in the moon, I could see him riding a bicycle in a child, I could hear him in the murmuring of the stream, I could smell him in the fragrance of the flower. He was present in every atom, in every particle -smiling, complaining, crying, dancing, laughing, criticizing, breathing, working, and yet unknown to all its creation.
He is trying to make His presence felt, waiting for his children to discover him and to realize that He is the Truth, the creator, the sustainer, the giver. He is waiting to be loved by the ones who owe Him everything that they possess. But the world is so busy in the pursuits of illusion that it has no time left to thank that One Reality who has crafted every molecule with such great care. The world has no love for the One who loves them unconditionally and who would forgive their unpardonable sins just for few minutes of their love. I see him pining for his astray children, trying to remind them of His presence- sometimes by blessing them, sometimes by showing them the impermanence of this world and sometimes by punishing them. Being aware of the apathetic attitude of his children towards him he feels hurt but still keeps calling them continuously hoping that one day his call will fall on their deaf ears and they will accept him and love him as their father and this realization will make it possible for Him to take them back to their Royal home from this world of sufferings. How he hates to see them in pain! How he hates to see them suffer! How he yearns for them to join him in his abode.
He is so desperate to have them back that He comes on this malignant earth in the human form. He pardons their follies, overlooks their imperfections, and tries to remind them of that ultimate One. He knows that his children doubt him, his purity, his presence and yet he doesn’t cease to teach them. He laughs when they smile and suffers when He sees them suffering. He sees them sometimes blaming Him for all the pain that they have to endure, and yet with compassion He tries to help them in all the ways possible, without ever reminding them of their mistakes. I saw him suffering when he saw their endless suffering. I saw him showering unearthly love and his children standing with the inverted cup to hold it. I saw him being disappointed, being upset at his incompetent children and yet loving them constantly without any conditions.
I realized that I was the chosen one to feel his divine presence.
Now when I look back at my shadow, it is complete, graceful, and full of life and vitality, in harmony and balance with the Universe. And it is perfectly in sync with me flowing in the waves of life towards that Great Ocean of love which I realize, is the very source of my existence.
